Reindeer rash

Rudolph’s rapid rise to prominence was based solely on the old man’s favour. But when the venerable Dr. Claus was forced into retirement for his inadequate diversity policy, the hapless caribou found it difficult to convince the new management of his value to the business. When he presented his PowerPoint, the new CEO ignored his scorecard and just yelled, “You seen a vet about that sore? Get some ointment for that dermatitis on your snout!” Things weren’t looking good.

Rudolph needed a new gimmick to fix his shrivelling relevance – and fast.

He knew just who to call: an Alaskan spin doctor with all the right connections. She’d just finished a national campaign representing hockey in the highest places, so she’d be free to work on his case. With one hoof he deftly snapped open his cell phone. It was time to make the call.

  “Hello, Sarah? Hi! It’s Rudie here…”

Fire meets desire

Bev, our roving fashion reporter, sends this latest update on haute couture:

American fast food chain Burger King is marketing a men’s fragrance with the scent of meat.

Called Flame, the company says the spray is “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”.

The scent is on sale in New York for $3.99 and through a website that features a variety of romantic images – but no actual burgers.

Its character, the Burger King, is also seen reclining almost naked in front of a log fire with whipped cream.

From the BBC, of course.

Published in:  on December 19, 2008 at 5:37 pm Comments (1)
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Under the stairs

The most Reverend James Fortescue-Roberts-Smythe (or ‘Jimmy’ to his ecclesial mates) had found himself in some peculiar predicaments during his ministry. But it didn’t occur to him that hiding in a cramped cupboard under the stairs, clasping a china tea plate, was in any way strange. In fact, as he waited for Mrs Sodbury, his housekeeper, to finish her nattering on the vicarage telephone, he began to like his new environs. Perhaps he could bring a little three-legged stool in here to sit and think from time to time. He’d install a small brass knob on the inside of the door, to facilitate closure, and could retire under the stairs for a bit of peace and quiet – or even, a nap! It was perfect. Given its proximity to the chimney wall, it would always be warm in winter. So it was decided: he’d call this place his Secret Snug and would repair here whenever the Bishop (“Bishy, as he nicknamed him”) was on his case for some irritating ecclesial matter, requiring a letter to be written. If Mrs Sodbury didn’t suspect his internment, Jimmy could spend a whole day in here, conveniently missing unpleasant visits from Bishy, and having been “called away at short notice” when his various counselling clients called for their sessions. Jimmy’s strategy was simply to leave a note on the hall table, thus:

“Mrs Sodbury, short notice, been called to meeting. Will be out until 4pm, please advise callers. Please leave afternoon tea and cake on trolley in lobby near under-stairs cupboard. Regards, Rev.”

As regards his constitution, it would be trivial to wait for the mid-afternoon tea trolley to be unattended, before discretely opening the closet door to retrieve a generous wedge of Margaret Sodbury’s moist cake. He would keep the little tea plate under the stairs for such purposes.

This, he mused, was boyishly clever.

Published in:  on December 6, 2008 at 7:14 am Leave a Comment
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At the Post Office

Bev snuck into the Soho Post Office, feeling quietly smug as the lunch hour had not yet started and she would be sure to miss the crowds as she arranged for her Christmas card postal delivery.

She was, however, entirely unprepared for the scenes that immediately confronted her.

The seemingly endless queue writhed around the tiny, sweating space. It was almost as if Euro Disney had gathered all of its angry, impatient crowds waiting for a 3 minute entertainment ride at the end of a long Saturday in August and piled them all into this one terrible place.  

Muttering all the swears she could remember, and even inventing some herself, Bev detected the end of the queue and began the arduous process of ‘who could break first’. Minutes ticked by. Seasons passed. Bev began to display the seven signs of aging. Perhaps the most irritating thing during this ordeal was the pre-recorded voices that chirped ‘please proceed to cashier 3 please’, ‘please proceed to cashier 6 please’ in alternate male and female voices, both of which were pronounced with a false brightness that made Bev believe: ‘I am in hell’.

A loud crash broke the hostile silence – a large plinth had collapsed to the ground, spewing forth a variety of festive detritus. The elderly man who had narrowly missed an appointment with his maker exclaimed to all those that would listen, “That was a deliberate attempt on my life!”

Bev shrugged. The old man had a point. Perhaps it was. The Post Office obviously could not keep up with the demand and had to control crowds somehow.

Several hours later, Bev stumbled out of the Post Office. Sweet freedom at last. Next year she’d use pigeons.

Published in:  on November 26, 2008 at 6:11 am Leave a Comment
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Dream signature

In his dream, Adrian was in a scene in which the CEO writes this email signature, and likes it so much that he insists all employees add it to their outgoing email:

Mission: “I am accountable for accelerating high value and competitive opportunities, and enabling Partners, by applying specialist expertise with passion!

Adrian awoke with a headache. He decided not to go to work today.

Published in:  on November 13, 2008 at 5:11 am Comments (1)
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Neighbourhood watch

Enid put on her nightgown, brushed her teeth and applied a thick coating of crimson lipstick to her lips. She wanted to look her very best if there was to be a disturbance during the night. She took her Neighbourhood Watch duties very seriously.

Published in:  on November 11, 2008 at 6:57 am Leave a Comment
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Lunchtime workout

“T’urrah, off to the gym!”

Bev knew she was being a little too disruptive, but she wanted to let as many people know about this plan as possible.

Right, she had about 45 mins to sit in the disabled toilet: an enjoyable respite and an opportunity to eat chocolate and read gossip magazines, guilt free.

* * *

Splashing some water on her face, Bev emerged from the toilet and staggered back into the office.

“Gosh, you’re good doing that during the day, Bev,” commented a colleague.

But the small slip of torn toilet paper, stuck to the heel of Bev’s shoe, was a dead give-away.

Published in:  on November 7, 2008 at 6:32 am Leave a Comment
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Hershey for President

George dropped the final folder of papers on the pile at the end of his desk. “That’s about it,” he said out loud, to nobody at all, because the room was empty. His furniture was already packed in the van and the only remaining items were the window treatments and a 75 year-old rug which was national property. And the bureau.

George leant against the desk, feeling slightly defeated. He wasn’t top dog any more; but being honest with himself, he was glad of it. Despite its messier moments, these 8 years hadn’t been without their benefits: at least his retirement fund was in good shape now, something that couldn’t be said for some other folks.

Suddenly an idea popped into his head. Fiddling in his trouser pocket, he found some small change. He was elated! It was perfect! With a spring in his step and purpose in his glide, in moments he found himself face-to-face with the vending machine alongside the library. This was one policy he’d failed to deregulate: important people should not be expected to pay for candy!

But as fate would have it, the machine was not so yielding this evening. Receiving his devalued 80 cents, the beige behemoth turned its spring-like dispensers on his selection, but no confection was dropped into the tray below. George looked askance into the machine; what was happening to him tonight? Did he need any more bad luck? The Hershey’s bar was suspended tantalisingly within reach, ready to make its long fall into the tray below … but it was caught on the dispenser. George weighed his options. Break into the glassy prison? No. Bail-out his property with more money? Never! There was only one thing for it.

George’s hip-and-shoulder move on the side of the “President” model vending machine caused both the tilt alarm to trip and the suspended chocolate to be deposited into the bottom of the unit. Just as he was standing up from the awkward posture required to retrieve his confection from the flap, the house security guard appeared.

“Everything OK, Sir?” asked the burly assistant over the din of the strident ringing bell coming from inside the machine.

“Yes,” replied George shortly, as he straightened up, with a frown, “just fine. Been quite a night. I needed something for elevenses.”

The aide used his large bunch of keys to silence the machine, and all was quiet again.

As George made his way back to the study to switch off the lights, the antique hall clock gently chimed the evening hour, as if nothing had changed and one era was quite the same as the next.

It was eleven PM. Time to enjoy his little snack, then teeth, pajamas, and bed.

Tomorrow was a new day, indeed.

Published in:  on November 5, 2008 at 6:03 am Comments (1)
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eBay for company

Arthur was a regular eBay user and prided himself on having a perfect feedback score of 100% … because he’d never bought or sold anything. He regularly searched for items based in his home town of Adelaide and then would contact the sellers to ask simple questions, like:

Hello, I live in Adelaide, too.

How much will postage be?

Today after finishing his breakfast and wiping margarine off his beard, Arthur performed his regular eBay search:

“Items available in [Adelaide, Australia]“

He sorted the 20,235 items by “ending soonest”. He found the following:

Power board (Arlec brand)

Used brown sofa, suitable for a corner

Portable camping toilet

Luke Skywalker light sabre (no batteries)

Set of 12 tapered dinner-table wax candles

Arthur thought the last item was the most interesting. Could they possibly post wax candles across Adelaide? He’d ask the question of the seller now. Perhaps he’d get a response by lunchtime.

It was nice to hear from people.

Published in:  on November 2, 2008 at 6:51 pm Comments (1)
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Tears of a clown

Bev says:

There is a man I walk past almost every time I come to this office, and he makes me so sad.

I see him all the time because it’s his job to stand in the street, dressed up as a clown or magician or something, spruiking for Abracadabra – a magic themed restaurant which is also, bizarrely, on Jermyn Street.

Rain or shine, he is forced to stand outside in his curly Court Jester style slippers, trying to lure those city gentlemen and gentlewomen shod in the better kind of shoe, those least likely to be interested in a themed booth or a Harlequin Burger, into his pathetic establishment.

For the most part he stands silent, sullenly smoking a cigarette.

Published in:  on October 29, 2008 at 6:05 am Leave a Comment
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